One of my biggest fears is manifesting itself now in the sense of just not living up to certain standards, some of which I impose on myself unnecessarily. My own brand of a pessimistic outlook, my friends...
I'm just not good enough.
I'm not really positive Pharmacy is the right path for me any more. I think I may have made a mistake, because it seems like I can't even handle being a technician. What am I going to do when all the responsibility is on ME? Then I really can't hide anymore. Everything would fall on me, and what if I'm not good enough then? What if I'm never really good enough at anything? What do I do then?
If not Pharmacy, what the hell am I supposed to do with my life? I've already spent enough time and money in college, and I haven't gone much further than junior college. True, there have been some on and off years and now I'm limited to taking only a few courses a semester because I have to work nearly full time as well to pay for the things I need and want.
I just need to work harder, I guess.
I don't want to be just a face in the crowd. I want to be somebody.
I wish the career outlook was the only place I feel inadequate about. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I don't want to be this 24 year old living in my parent's house, still attending junior college, still not clear about the future. By this point, I had hoped to find myself. Looks like I have some work to do there too.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
My Two Cents
I promised myself I wouldn't blog about this, being a 'hot topic' as of late.
But I've been watching a lot of election coverage tonight.
I'm beginning to think people are scared of change. Voting for McCain would be like voting for Bush. While Obama is relatively young and relatively new, he is working for the American people. The United States are not so united, and it would be nice to see a president who can make a positive change.
John F. Kennedy was also considered the under dog, having served only one term as a senator before making a run for the Presidency. Kennedy was also fairly young, up against politicians 30 years older. But what Kennedy did was inspire people. To see people as people, not as black, white, Hispanic, whatever you are. He stood for the civil rights movement. He also died too young. But he still inspired people to change.
Even hundreds of years ago, Lincoln supported the movement to abolish slavery. He was way ahead of his time, and fought to unite a country that was torn because of race.
Two hundred years later, there is still an issue of equality among all sorts of people. Would Obama face such opposition if he weren't black?
I think Obama will inspire change. He will fight to make this country stand united, and it would be a giant step for civil rights, a movement that began so many years ago and still is being fought today for many people.
That being said, although I am pro-Obama, I still believe it is very important for every American who have the ability to vote should. Regardless of who you vote for, we are all Americans and will support the result. I would hope that regardless of who wins, everyone would support our President.
But I've been watching a lot of election coverage tonight.
I'm beginning to think people are scared of change. Voting for McCain would be like voting for Bush. While Obama is relatively young and relatively new, he is working for the American people. The United States are not so united, and it would be nice to see a president who can make a positive change.
John F. Kennedy was also considered the under dog, having served only one term as a senator before making a run for the Presidency. Kennedy was also fairly young, up against politicians 30 years older. But what Kennedy did was inspire people. To see people as people, not as black, white, Hispanic, whatever you are. He stood for the civil rights movement. He also died too young. But he still inspired people to change.
Even hundreds of years ago, Lincoln supported the movement to abolish slavery. He was way ahead of his time, and fought to unite a country that was torn because of race.
Two hundred years later, there is still an issue of equality among all sorts of people. Would Obama face such opposition if he weren't black?
I think Obama will inspire change. He will fight to make this country stand united, and it would be a giant step for civil rights, a movement that began so many years ago and still is being fought today for many people.
That being said, although I am pro-Obama, I still believe it is very important for every American who have the ability to vote should. Regardless of who you vote for, we are all Americans and will support the result. I would hope that regardless of who wins, everyone would support our President.
Friday, October 31, 2008
On Being Busy
Sorry for the lack of update as of late, school and work has been keeping me incredibly busy lately. And for once, I'm putting school above most everything.
Classes are going well, I'm looking forward to Winter Break for obvious reasons. I'm taking a mini-vacation the weekend before Thanksgiving (if you can call a horse show a vacation, which I do being that it's a weekend I won't have to work and I'll be able to hopefully have some sort of fun. Success too. Yes, having a successful weekend would be extremely nice too). And the weekend of Thanksgiving, I plan on attending a horse show to be a spectator (10 bucks says I get put to work on that one). I digress. I am enjoying my pre-Calculus class, because for some reason, math classes make me feel brilliant sometimes. It's one class I finally don't have to work extremely hard at to understand, though I've found that as I get closer to Calculus, a little bit of studying does go a long way as far as tests go. We had a quiz today in which I completely blanked on something I knew, and Tuesday we have a test. Which means that besides the time I am at work or celebrating tomorrow's (today's) "holiday," I will be attempting to do some homework for class.
Work.. hmm.. I'm still teaching one night a week at the horse stable, which has its benefits. I am finally out of debt there (moving my horse played a giant role in this) and now actually receive a monthly check. I can not wait to receive this month's check, as I know it will be good and will help me out for that vacation of mine. As far as the pharmacy gig is going, I'm still attempting to get more pharmacy tech hours. Working up front as a cashier is fun, great, and has its benefits (getting paid mostly) but I want the experience of working in a pharmacy. There MAY be an opening to work full time back in the pharmacy, but I am still crossing my fingers that it will work out.
I can't wait for my mini "vacation."
Classes are going well, I'm looking forward to Winter Break for obvious reasons. I'm taking a mini-vacation the weekend before Thanksgiving (if you can call a horse show a vacation, which I do being that it's a weekend I won't have to work and I'll be able to hopefully have some sort of fun. Success too. Yes, having a successful weekend would be extremely nice too). And the weekend of Thanksgiving, I plan on attending a horse show to be a spectator (10 bucks says I get put to work on that one). I digress. I am enjoying my pre-Calculus class, because for some reason, math classes make me feel brilliant sometimes. It's one class I finally don't have to work extremely hard at to understand, though I've found that as I get closer to Calculus, a little bit of studying does go a long way as far as tests go. We had a quiz today in which I completely blanked on something I knew, and Tuesday we have a test. Which means that besides the time I am at work or celebrating tomorrow's (today's) "holiday," I will be attempting to do some homework for class.
Work.. hmm.. I'm still teaching one night a week at the horse stable, which has its benefits. I am finally out of debt there (moving my horse played a giant role in this) and now actually receive a monthly check. I can not wait to receive this month's check, as I know it will be good and will help me out for that vacation of mine. As far as the pharmacy gig is going, I'm still attempting to get more pharmacy tech hours. Working up front as a cashier is fun, great, and has its benefits (getting paid mostly) but I want the experience of working in a pharmacy. There MAY be an opening to work full time back in the pharmacy, but I am still crossing my fingers that it will work out.
I can't wait for my mini "vacation."
Saturday, October 18, 2008
It's All About Me
I'm absolutely tired of being walked over.
Anything I do, if I make it about me, I'm selfish. However, if I let it be about someone else, I'm selfish, rude, or just an all out bitch.
What the hell. It is apparent to me that the more self-assured a woman is, the more she is considered to be a bitch. Because she can stand on her own two feet and doesn't need a man to protect her. Inside of everyone is a person who wants to be liked and wants to be wanted, or loved, or whatever.
But the outside? The person on the outside is a shell, rock hard and so hard to get into.
Well... Finally, I've reached the point where things are going to be about me. I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy because all it does it make me unhappy sometimes. I would give someone the shirt off my back because I am that type of person. But in trying to be nice, I feel like it gives people the impression that I will bow down to what they want. WRONG.
There are people I love to death that none of this applies to, but those people have come through for me time and time again. I would not be who I am today if not for them, and for that I am extremely grateful and would give them the shirt off of my back because that truly is who I am. It takes a lot for me to think highly enough of someone to totally let them in. I put walls up to see who's worth being in my life because it protects my sense of self a lot better than just totally be nothing but open about everything.
But for now, I'm just going to let things be about me. I don't give a damn about what someone I don't really know thinks about me. Time to be selfish for awhile....
Anything I do, if I make it about me, I'm selfish. However, if I let it be about someone else, I'm selfish, rude, or just an all out bitch.
What the hell. It is apparent to me that the more self-assured a woman is, the more she is considered to be a bitch. Because she can stand on her own two feet and doesn't need a man to protect her. Inside of everyone is a person who wants to be liked and wants to be wanted, or loved, or whatever.
But the outside? The person on the outside is a shell, rock hard and so hard to get into.
Well... Finally, I've reached the point where things are going to be about me. I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy because all it does it make me unhappy sometimes. I would give someone the shirt off my back because I am that type of person. But in trying to be nice, I feel like it gives people the impression that I will bow down to what they want. WRONG.
There are people I love to death that none of this applies to, but those people have come through for me time and time again. I would not be who I am today if not for them, and for that I am extremely grateful and would give them the shirt off of my back because that truly is who I am. It takes a lot for me to think highly enough of someone to totally let them in. I put walls up to see who's worth being in my life because it protects my sense of self a lot better than just totally be nothing but open about everything.
But for now, I'm just going to let things be about me. I don't give a damn about what someone I don't really know thinks about me. Time to be selfish for awhile....
Monday, September 22, 2008
Moving On part 2
I found this post sitting in my drafts, and decided to post it.
It's always unusual running into people you used to be friends with. It never matters why the friendship crumbled or why you fell out of touch, it still results in the same sort of awkward pause at the beginning. And although it makes for an extremely awkward time, or even something that drudges up bad memories, there's always a sense of relief to know that you finally had a chance to say what you need to say and end on good terms. Especially when it happens when you least expect it.
I had the opportunity to see an old friend of mine recently. Our friendship ended in lies and backstabbing, and ultimately bad memories and wondering what was really true and good in the friendship and what was fake. It's one of those things where you'd rather hear straight from the person how they feel about you instead of hearing it from their best friend's mother's sister's dog's brother's aunt.
The conversation didn't start off too well, and I was a little apprehensive to see her again. We hadn't heard from each other since the night we ended our friendship. Part of me is glad that it took so long because there were a lot of things I was ultimately hurt about. I finally got to say what I've needed to say for this past year. What I have now is a sense of closure, and the pleasure of knowing that the things I needed to say were said. Being able to stick up for myself was also a nice change of pace.
In any case, now I feel I can move on the situation and finally forget about what it would be like seeing this particular "friend" again. I know that if we do see each other again, we will both be mature about it and make nice, though I know that it would never move past acquaintances again.
It's always unusual running into people you used to be friends with. It never matters why the friendship crumbled or why you fell out of touch, it still results in the same sort of awkward pause at the beginning. And although it makes for an extremely awkward time, or even something that drudges up bad memories, there's always a sense of relief to know that you finally had a chance to say what you need to say and end on good terms. Especially when it happens when you least expect it.
I had the opportunity to see an old friend of mine recently. Our friendship ended in lies and backstabbing, and ultimately bad memories and wondering what was really true and good in the friendship and what was fake. It's one of those things where you'd rather hear straight from the person how they feel about you instead of hearing it from their best friend's mother's sister's dog's brother's aunt.
The conversation didn't start off too well, and I was a little apprehensive to see her again. We hadn't heard from each other since the night we ended our friendship. Part of me is glad that it took so long because there were a lot of things I was ultimately hurt about. I finally got to say what I've needed to say for this past year. What I have now is a sense of closure, and the pleasure of knowing that the things I needed to say were said. Being able to stick up for myself was also a nice change of pace.
In any case, now I feel I can move on the situation and finally forget about what it would be like seeing this particular "friend" again. I know that if we do see each other again, we will both be mature about it and make nice, though I know that it would never move past acquaintances again.
My favorite time of year...
I think fall is one of my favorite times of year. The weather starts to be cooler, the leaves turn pretty colors, and for the most part, we get more cloudy blue skies than gray and rainy ones. Thankfully, this past summer wasn't very hot this year. Unfortunately, along with the change in weather started new allergies -- woohoo!
Along with the weather changing, my favorite part of the fall is the fact that many of my favorite television shows are returning with new episodes. Heroes, Ugly Betty, and Gossip Girl are my personal favorites. It's almost like running into a friend and catching up. And it's nice having TiVO be put to good use again. Unfortunately for me, however, my schoolwork and real work seems to be putting a dent into that social calendar, intruding into the small amount of TV time I already have...
At the risk of sounding like a huge nerd, I'm signing this off now. (though it may already be too late).
Along with the weather changing, my favorite part of the fall is the fact that many of my favorite television shows are returning with new episodes. Heroes, Ugly Betty, and Gossip Girl are my personal favorites. It's almost like running into a friend and catching up. And it's nice having TiVO be put to good use again. Unfortunately for me, however, my schoolwork and real work seems to be putting a dent into that social calendar, intruding into the small amount of TV time I already have...
At the risk of sounding like a huge nerd, I'm signing this off now. (though it may already be too late).
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Moving On
I think it's time to change this a little bit. The last few posts have been a little depressing, especially now that I read them again. While it's good to remember certain memories for the good they may have contained at the time, my life isn't all about the down sides. There's ups and downs to everything and life is one crazy roller coaster ride.
Since the last post, things have been looking up. I got the apology I deserved and while things aren't fully back to normal yet, I am trying to be friends with the guy. I don't know if he truly deserves it or not, I don't know if I believe he wants to be friends or not, but I do like talking to him. I hate that I can't hate them, but holding grudges has never been my thing. I think I finally got closure out of the situation, and closure tends to bring me the ability to appreciate the things I've learned out of a bad situation. (this is where my being over-analytical comes into play)
I'm a lot tougher than I thought I was, I thought losing him would mean the end of my world, but no guy is worth feeling like that. I'm tough in that I can bounce back fairly quickly, just because things seem so wrong one day doesn't mean they won't be fine soon. And everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that people come into your life to teach you something, whether it be the good, the bad, or the ugly.
I am also a better person than most give me credit for. I know for a fact that there quite a few people who wouldn't forgive someone for lying as much as he had, but I do. I believe that people do deserve a second chance. If they blow it the second time, hey that's their call. But it is definitely nice to hear I'm a good person every now and again because I do try to be. And even if I'm wrong sometimes, I will try to fix it. I can be stubborn and bull-headed, but eventually I figure out what I want and what's right. Most of all, I want to change the world by making one person's day that much better. Seeing other people happy makes me happy.
Anyway, for now I'm just appreciating my life for what it is. My friends mean the world to me, as I found out Saturday they can help take me from the shittiest mood to being able to have the kind of laugh that makes you cry. I am in school and finally loving it, I like my classes and I'm prepared to take on the world it seems. I like my jobs, and I want to continue to improve and do the best I can. The tough times seem to bring out the best in me, I guess.
I don't know if any of that makes sense.. Comments?
Since the last post, things have been looking up. I got the apology I deserved and while things aren't fully back to normal yet, I am trying to be friends with the guy. I don't know if he truly deserves it or not, I don't know if I believe he wants to be friends or not, but I do like talking to him. I hate that I can't hate them, but holding grudges has never been my thing. I think I finally got closure out of the situation, and closure tends to bring me the ability to appreciate the things I've learned out of a bad situation. (this is where my being over-analytical comes into play)
I'm a lot tougher than I thought I was, I thought losing him would mean the end of my world, but no guy is worth feeling like that. I'm tough in that I can bounce back fairly quickly, just because things seem so wrong one day doesn't mean they won't be fine soon. And everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that people come into your life to teach you something, whether it be the good, the bad, or the ugly.
I am also a better person than most give me credit for. I know for a fact that there quite a few people who wouldn't forgive someone for lying as much as he had, but I do. I believe that people do deserve a second chance. If they blow it the second time, hey that's their call. But it is definitely nice to hear I'm a good person every now and again because I do try to be. And even if I'm wrong sometimes, I will try to fix it. I can be stubborn and bull-headed, but eventually I figure out what I want and what's right. Most of all, I want to change the world by making one person's day that much better. Seeing other people happy makes me happy.
Anyway, for now I'm just appreciating my life for what it is. My friends mean the world to me, as I found out Saturday they can help take me from the shittiest mood to being able to have the kind of laugh that makes you cry. I am in school and finally loving it, I like my classes and I'm prepared to take on the world it seems. I like my jobs, and I want to continue to improve and do the best I can. The tough times seem to bring out the best in me, I guess.
I don't know if any of that makes sense.. Comments?
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