It's been quite some time since I've written anything, so this should be interesting. I just need an outlet to what I think and feel and this is probably the best way to find that release. I'm just trying to find myself, and I think maybe writing down what I think, know, and feel may just be something to help someone along too.
I'm interested in going to pharmacy school. Currently I am working on my general education requirements, which has been a 6 year process so far. Maybe it's a little less given half the time I didn't even complete all of my classes. Part of me feels I'm never going to get past this point. This halfway stage of what I want to do. Part of me also feels like once I do get this all done, I will never be able to be accepted into a pharmacy school because my GPA just isn't what it should be. These classes should have taken 3 years at the most to do but I'm still wasting my time on everything but. Maybe my fear of rejection is silently making its presence known. I am a bit scared about not making it in, but I'm tired of that being the reason why I'm not getting anywhere in my life.
I've always thought I was a good person. I have my flaws, but sometimes flaws make a person beautiful. I truly think that the most perfect people are the ones who let their flaws be heard and aren't ashamed to truly be who they are. I am a bit soft-spoken and don't let myself shine sometimes. It's been a long battle because I was always picked on a little more when I was growing up, about being overweight, being shy, and being into things that just weren't considered "cool." These days I'm learning those quirks make me who I am, and I wouldn't change that for the world. What I would like to change is how other people see me. I've been told I'm too emotional, too shy, and sometimes that all affects me more than I should let it. Finding that balance of how to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me seems to be my current challenge.
I feel like through all of this emotional stuff I am managing to push away the first person to ever care about me in a way more than just friends. Instead of letting things be, I manage to push that button until it self-destructs. Instead of being the person he got to know and like, I turn into some raging bitch. Maybe the ultimate fear of rejection is playing its role in this as well. Maybe I'm just putting too much thought into it. But somewhere I lost the fun aspect of it and started making myself seem like a pain in the ass, which I know never works. All I know is I don't want to give him a reason to give up on me and if I could change some things, I would. But what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, so maybe if I can just go back to the fun person instead of letting everything bother me, I can fix this.
But in all honestly, one of my favorite things about myself is my ability to adapt. I will make an attempt to change for the better because I know life is about constantly changing. My biggest challenge is finding a way to not totally lose myself in the process, and to also not to alienate those around me. I know what I want in my life, and I'm determined to get it. Maybe someday I'll look back on this and say, "who was that girl?" Maybe I'll look back and wonder what I was thinking. But I sure as hell don't want to be sitting here five years from now wondering what if, what could have been, and what I would be doing now if things were different.
Sorry that got so long... I've had a lot on my mind and it feels super good to get it off my chest. Till next time!
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