So it goes..

Today is just one of those days.

I managed to quit one of my two jobs (it was a long time coming, really). The upside is that it was the one night a week job, the one where I teach kids how to ride a horse. I also am leaving on reasonably good terms, which says a lot for who I work for. She is definitely not the easiest boss to get along with, nor the best I've ever had the pleasure of working for, but I grew up at the stable. I've been horseback riding since I was 12, and I started there. I've seen so many people coming and going, being hired and eventually being fired. I never thought I would be the one leaving. I started six months ago by relocating my horse, which was one foot out the door. Now comes time to get the second one out as well, I guess. The downside is that I will most certainly miss the kids I taught, they've come so far since I've known them. It's sad not seeing them on a weekly basis, really.

What is not so good is that my check wasn't ready when I tried to get it tonight while I was there which means I'll have to make another appearance there sometime this week. Plus, I didn't get a chance to say a proper good bye to my students.

Goodbyes are never easy, though, so maybe if this is how it ends, it's how it ends. I will be working Wednesday nights at my pharmacy job, so long as it's still available (how much of a kicker would that be? Leaving one job and not having the other day to fall back on? yikes!). And so it goes.

I'm Just Not Good Enough

One of my biggest fears is manifesting itself now in the sense of just not living up to certain standards, some of which I impose on myself unnecessarily. My own brand of a pessimistic outlook, my friends...

I'm just not good enough.

I'm not really positive Pharmacy is the right path for me any more. I think I may have made a mistake, because it seems like I can't even handle being a technician. What am I going to do when all the responsibility is on ME? Then I really can't hide anymore. Everything would fall on me, and what if I'm not good enough then? What if I'm never really good enough at anything? What do I do then?

If not Pharmacy, what the hell am I supposed to do with my life? I've already spent enough time and money in college, and I haven't gone much further than junior college. True, there have been some on and off years and now I'm limited to taking only a few courses a semester because I have to work nearly full time as well to pay for the things I need and want.

I just need to work harder, I guess.

I don't want to be just a face in the crowd. I want to be somebody.

I wish the career outlook was the only place I feel inadequate about. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I don't want to be this 24 year old living in my parent's house, still attending junior college, still not clear about the future. By this point, I had hoped to find myself. Looks like I have some work to do there too.

My Neverland

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, what I see staring back at me isn't the face of a 24 year old.. I see someone still stuck in a fantasy land. I always think of Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. In a way, I think we all want to find our Neverland. Because in Neverland, dreams always come true. Or is that Cinderella?

I remember being 10 years old, thinking of how life would be when I was finally 18 and graduating from high school. It seemed then that 18 was a really long time away and it somehow seemed like I would never get to that point. Once I hit 14 it didn't seem so far off but it was still odd thinking of what life would be like after high school. Would I go to a 4 year university and move away right away? Would I attend a local college to save money? Either way, it seemed as though the possibilities were endless.

Once I turned 18, those possibilities seemed to dwindle. The only thing I had invested much time into was my horseback riding and playing music in the school band. So the logical choice for me was spending a couple years at the local college and doing my horseback riding thing. It took some time to really figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I dabbled in teaching and journalism but nothing seemed to stick. Instead, I opted to attempt classes that I had no real interest or need for so eventually one by one they were dropped. I instead spent my time working two jobs, one for less pay than I should have gotten. I think had I spent more time concentrating on school, I could have had just a few classes to take before being able to apply to pharmacy school.

Flash forward 6 years later. Still in junior college, still trying to make it through a semester with a full load of classes. Now that I have a plan formulated, I need to bust my butt and get it done. I've seen what I would be doing otherwise and I'm tired of working for minimum wage (although now I did get a raise for being a pharmacy service associate) when I'm a lot smarter than that. I think now, too, I seem to have gained a few cheerleaders who have helped give me the push to know I can do this and believe in me. For such a pessimist, I can be such an optimist (my new leaf. I'm adopting a cup half full mentality, thanks to someone special).

So now my goal is to follow my yellow brick road to my own Neverland. Neverland in the true sense means never growing up, but I think it's more about finding your own happiness. To some, being happy means never having to grow up, to never gain the sense of adulthood that seems to come with maturity. But for me, my Neverland means growing up and accepting the changes for what they are and to be a better person. To see the silver lining in every storm cloud, and to know that everything will really be okay. And, above all, to be happy in everything I do.

Coincidentally, one of my favorite questions comes from running into someone I haven't seen in a while. It seems so simple, but in reality it is such a loaded question. "What are you doing for the rest of your life?" I always want to ask "short or long answer?" My short answer? To be happy. My long answer? Well.... you'd better grab a cup of coffee, seems like we're in for a long night..

Trying to find my way

It's been quite some time since I've written anything, so this should be interesting. I just need an outlet to what I think and feel and this is probably the best way to find that release. I'm just trying to find myself, and I think maybe writing down what I think, know, and feel may just be something to help someone along too.

I'm interested in going to pharmacy school. Currently I am working on my general education requirements, which has been a 6 year process so far. Maybe it's a little less given half the time I didn't even complete all of my classes. Part of me feels I'm never going to get past this point. This halfway stage of what I want to do. Part of me also feels like once I do get this all done, I will never be able to be accepted into a pharmacy school because my GPA just isn't what it should be. These classes should have taken 3 years at the most to do but I'm still wasting my time on everything but. Maybe my fear of rejection is silently making its presence known. I am a bit scared about not making it in, but I'm tired of that being the reason why I'm not getting anywhere in my life.

I've always thought I was a good person. I have my flaws, but sometimes flaws make a person beautiful. I truly think that the most perfect people are the ones who let their flaws be heard and aren't ashamed to truly be who they are. I am a bit soft-spoken and don't let myself shine sometimes. It's been a long battle because I was always picked on a little more when I was growing up, about being overweight, being shy, and being into things that just weren't considered "cool." These days I'm learning those quirks make me who I am, and I wouldn't change that for the world. What I would like to change is how other people see me. I've been told I'm too emotional, too shy, and sometimes that all affects me more than I should let it. Finding that balance of how to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me seems to be my current challenge.

I feel like through all of this emotional stuff I am managing to push away the first person to ever care about me in a way more than just friends. Instead of letting things be, I manage to push that button until it self-destructs. Instead of being the person he got to know and like, I turn into some raging bitch. Maybe the ultimate fear of rejection is playing its role in this as well. Maybe I'm just putting too much thought into it. But somewhere I lost the fun aspect of it and started making myself seem like a pain in the ass, which I know never works. All I know is I don't want to give him a reason to give up on me and if I could change some things, I would. But what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, so maybe if I can just go back to the fun person instead of letting everything bother me, I can fix this.

But in all honestly, one of my favorite things about myself is my ability to adapt. I will make an attempt to change for the better because I know life is about constantly changing. My biggest challenge is finding a way to not totally lose myself in the process, and to also not to alienate those around me. I know what I want in my life, and I'm determined to get it. Maybe someday I'll look back on this and say, "who was that girl?" Maybe I'll look back and wonder what I was thinking. But I sure as hell don't want to be sitting here five years from now wondering what if, what could have been, and what I would be doing now if things were different.

Sorry that got so long... I've had a lot on my mind and it feels super good to get it off my chest. Till next time!