With New Year's being a week ago, it's been sort of nice to take an introspective look as to what I would change and how I could better myself as a person. I feel there's only one thing consistent as people, and that's the ability to change. It doesn't matter if you feel there's nothing TO be changed because it's inevitable. You may not even notice it happening, it just does its thing and a year or even a month later you sit and realize how differently you've looked at things before.

I like change. I like the fact that even though we think we stop growing up at a certain point, it turns out we really don't. Who I am today may not be who I am a year for now, I know for certain a year ago this time I didn't know where I would be at as far as life goes. No one can really predict this kind of stuff.

Just six or seven months ago I was eager to trade my life in for a whole new one. As off-base as I was, I thought that with who I'd met was going to turn out to be special. Boy, was I wrong! What really blows my mind about it was how certain I was that it was my ticket out of here. Instead, I wasted several months on somebody who wasn't real, on somebody I put on a pedestal. Inadvertently, I too became a different person because of him. Because of an idea, really.

I bring this up because I feel that in the past few months I've become myself again, with an added bonus of a thicker skin and being a bit less naive. Changing yourself to be what someone else wants just seems so pointless now, it may be the one thing I possibly regret (I feel that in regretting anything makes it seem like you've made a mistake, however mistakes you learn from and therefore can better you as person). The one upside to it all is that I realized just how much I would lose in order to change my life. For one person.. idea.. whatever you'd want to call it.

What is my point? I've seemed to, per usual, rambled on and lost where I was headed in this whole thing.

I guess we just never cease growing up which is beneficial because everything around us is always changing, it just takes a bit more to see the change in ourselves.


"The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again." - Everwood.