I do stupid things sometimes....

I guess if I were in a movie right now, it'd probably be the Yes Man one. Or, in my case, the Yes Woman.

I think I say yes to things way too much. Instead of enjoying my holiday break like I should, I've made almost every morning this week insanely busy. Today I worked a total of 11 hours, with an hour in there somewhere to drive from point A to point B to point C. (A being job #1, B being home, C being job #2). And I get to look forward to doing it again tomorrow!

Had I not said yes, I would have gotten my normal three days of getting to sleep in as late as i want since I don't usually have to be at work til 4. I could have been selfish with my time (though I'll get paid for working the three mornings that I am working). So I'm sure I could have gotten out of this somehow...

Oh, right - it's that funny little word called NO!

That being said, there may be a short hiatus while I'm busy working my super long days. Only thing I get to look forward to is Wednesday, when... I can be a drunky and have fun with my friends. And, I'll actually get some SLEEP because I fully intend on taking a nap after work....

Time Goes By Way Too Quickly...

I can't believe another year has gone by already. This one seemed to fly by faster than it feels like it should have. Perhaps a steady job and everything I have going on makes it go that much quicker.

Looking back on this past year, I believe I've grown up a little bit more. At least, you'd hope that be the case - every mistake and every "win" is a growing experience. You never really stop changing, sometimes it just happens out of nowhere like a light bulb going off. And sometimes you just look back and see how differently you would act in a situation had it been today instead of yesterday.

I guess that could be taken as a blessing or as a downfall. Change seems to happen so rapidly that it could either be detrimental or positive. However, surrounded by the right circumstances, even a detrimental change has the possibility to become more shaping than the change that happens through a blessing.

So would the detrimental parts be considered an opportunity for more change?

I guess, again.. it's all in how you look at it...

It's All in How You Look At It

There's been something bugging me lately. Maybe it's the holiday season giving me a new perspective on this, but it's really not only the point in time when I've questioned certain parts of humanity and how people treat people. My faith in humanity is perhaps losing steam.

I had a customer who apparently was formerly a customer who felt the need to complain to me about how he saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico.. I mean, Walmart. Which is something I honestly in no way have control over, it's all about the insurance and what they charge. In any case, he chose Christmas Eve to come complain. It could have not waited until a normal week day (that's another point I need to make), but he felt the need to do it on Christmas Eve. It was probably the most insulting conversation I've endured as of late, but it got me thinking...

What in the world are we coming to when people are not treated as PEOPLE? Does it matter what kind of job you're in? Car you drive? Color of skin, what you wear, how you fix your hair, I could go on and on about labels I know are out there and I still would not be able to cover them all. The point is, humanity seems to have suffered a blow as of late. Why is being better than everyone else a priority?

What happened to people just being PEOPLE? Everyone has a story, a background, a reason for being where they are and who they are. How does one get any where in life? Everyone takes one step at a time, one foot in front of the other until they get to where they're going. Doesn't the person who works at a fast food restaurant to make ends meet still have the same potential for greatness as the person who may be a little bit spoiled and doesn't know what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck? Are you really better than somebody because of where they work? It's a necessity to have an income, and there is usually a reason to why someone is where they are. Perhaps it's a little different when that's all the person has made their life to be, but for most I know, the fast food industry is a stepping stone into something better.

So why should they be looked down upon for making their life better? And does that give someone the right to treat them as any less of a person?

I know I have made my own faults in this, in labeling certain people. But part of growing up is realizing the fault in how you see things and how they should be seen. Everything deserves a closer look, and as far as people go, everyone deserves a chance to be somebody. In this world, it's not about being above someone else. Above all, I believe people ARE people -- everyone has their good points, their bad points, and the in-between.

What sparked this whole thing was me working on Christmas Eve & Christmas, and realizing that there are people who just want to make life hell either because they can or because that's just how their life is. Making someone else feel like shit makes them feel better. But what really bothers me about this is how both holidays have become just another day. I understand that not everybody in America celebrates these holidays, and that it is just another Wednesday and Thursday to them, but... for those who do, and even if you don't... remember that just because someone is working on Christmas is not because they have something better to do, but maybe it was a choice to give up their Christmas morning for someone else to enjoy theirs.

I guess it's all in how you look at it.

(By the way, Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to all of you!)

Caking with Kate (or just a funny story)

Wow it's been awhile! I guess I'm not so good at keeping up with these things! So I apologize to my.. um.. well, I don't know exactly how many of you actually keep up with this either. But I finally had a blog-worthy tale to share.

So this week I've been when my father calls "caking" - which is, I've been baking cakes up the wazoo. Partially because I have a Christmas party to this evening, and I wanted to bring a dessert. I also had a really huge craving for cake too - who knows, I just went with the idea and thought it would be fun. And so I've made about three cakes this week. The third is, in fact, baking itself as we speak.

The first cake actually turned out really well (perhaps it's beginner's luck, seeing as the last time I actually baked ANYTHING was years ago). I made some pretty green frosting out of a tub of butter cream frosting and green food coloring. A really pretty, spring-ish green for a Christmas-y cake. Tis the season? I guess, since I really just want warmer weather. And some turquoise blue boots, but I digress. So, having my first caking experience out of the way, I decide to wait until Thursday for my second creation, the one that was actually supposed to be going to the party.

I chose a Fudge Marble cake mix (I don't trust myself well enough to create one from scratch) and set to work. Things were going rather smoothly, the cake was marble-y looking and was all set in the oven, baking away as cakes do. I figure once it's in the oven, cakes are pretty much the easiest thing in the world. Check it in roughly a half hour, make sure the toothpick comes out smoothly.. Easy sailing from there on. Even my frosting ability looked decent!

Well, apparently, being a klutz and caking don't exactly go hand in hand.

If you guessed I tripped over my own two feet, you are correct and probably know me far too well. I tripped over my own two feet and, having baked the cake in a foil pan, well.... The pan did not fare well and proceeded to twist and bend out of shape and there goes the cake. On the floor. In large, marble-y, fudge-y looking pieces.

Sadly, it is still in pieces on the kitchen counter, in a box underneath the good cake I baked earlier this week.

On a happy note, the cake I just made is safely sitting on the counter cooling. It survived the travels from the oven to the counter (and it's in a real cake pan this time, too!). Now it just needs to survive frosting....

Just a complaint...

So I'm sitting here watching the American Music Awards. I don't think I've sat down to watch an awards show since I was a huge 'N Sync fan, unless you count the CMAs a few years ago though that was more accidental than anything else.

Nevertheless, I've sat through a few commercials, and a few performances (Jonas Bros, PCD, Natasha what's-her-name, and lastly, Rihanna) and I don't believe I seen any awards being presented save for an all time achievement award for Annie Lennox.

Since when were these shows about the performances and not the music? I remember when awards shows used to have maybe 4 to 5 performers tops, the rest was just awards...

Ah well.

I still have yet to see the Twilight movie. Don't get me wrong, I want to so badly, it's just about having time and finding people to go with. I've read all of Twilight plus the second book in the series, New Moon. It's safe to say I'm a Twilight fanatic especially considering I purchased the second book last evening and had it completely read by 1 pm this afternoon. Whoops! As far as the movie goes, it's all just a matter of time...

And the awards show just proved me wrong... Daughtry won an award for Best Pop Group I think. Good for them, they've got some good songs! And now a performance by Kanye West...

I love when award shows (awards shows? that just looks wrong..) interrupt the winners by starting to play music.

Being Nostalgic

It's weird watching MTV's Total Request Live finale. Maybe because it's been showing for the past decade of my life, but it was something I enjoyed coming home from school and watching (especially because 'N Sync's videos were always on).

Ten years of my life... I would have been 14 when the show first aired. I was a freshman in high school.

What a change. The only downside is MTV is more and more becoming a network devoted to reality TV, between its Real World and countless dating shows. I remember when it used to be all music, all the time, with amazing cartoons like Daria and Beavis and Butthead.

I miss those days, when my biggest worry was about who's video was the top of the countdown on TRL....

Venting...

I need to vent a minute.

One of my biggest pet peeves is talking to someone who only maintains one topic of conversation. Okay, maybe there's more than one, but most of our conversing consists of what she is up to. What she is doing, how her life is going... I understand that 90% of our conversations can NOT and will not be about me but please. To not let me speak about my stuff is a one-sided friendship, if it even is that.

I'm tired of talking to this person only to hear how much this guy is amazing. Yeah, okay, I get that he's amazing to her but to me? He's nothing but a part of my past I'd like to forget. Am I being harsh? Maybe. Mostly because I can't seem to say this to her directly. But the truth is, I'm much too nice of a person to say it. Because I know the only reason she talks to me is to vent about him or to say all what a nice person he is. To be completely honest, it was almost like she was trying to make me jealous of what she's got. Nothing to be jealous about really.

This is where me being nice makes me a little confused as to where the line should be drawn. It's not a valuable friendship if all she wants to talk about is him and what she is up to. When I can't get a word in edgewise about what I'm up to. So she definitely doesn't even really fall into the "friend" category. So why can't I just stop talking to her?

I'm Just Not Good Enough

One of my biggest fears is manifesting itself now in the sense of just not living up to certain standards, some of which I impose on myself unnecessarily. My own brand of a pessimistic outlook, my friends...

I'm just not good enough.

I'm not really positive Pharmacy is the right path for me any more. I think I may have made a mistake, because it seems like I can't even handle being a technician. What am I going to do when all the responsibility is on ME? Then I really can't hide anymore. Everything would fall on me, and what if I'm not good enough then? What if I'm never really good enough at anything? What do I do then?

If not Pharmacy, what the hell am I supposed to do with my life? I've already spent enough time and money in college, and I haven't gone much further than junior college. True, there have been some on and off years and now I'm limited to taking only a few courses a semester because I have to work nearly full time as well to pay for the things I need and want.

I just need to work harder, I guess.

I don't want to be just a face in the crowd. I want to be somebody.

I wish the career outlook was the only place I feel inadequate about. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I don't want to be this 24 year old living in my parent's house, still attending junior college, still not clear about the future. By this point, I had hoped to find myself. Looks like I have some work to do there too.

My Two Cents

I promised myself I wouldn't blog about this, being a 'hot topic' as of late.

But I've been watching a lot of election coverage tonight.

I'm beginning to think people are scared of change. Voting for McCain would be like voting for Bush. While Obama is relatively young and relatively new, he is working for the American people. The United States are not so united, and it would be nice to see a president who can make a positive change.

John F. Kennedy was also considered the under dog, having served only one term as a senator before making a run for the Presidency. Kennedy was also fairly young, up against politicians 30 years older. But what Kennedy did was inspire people. To see people as people, not as black, white, Hispanic, whatever you are. He stood for the civil rights movement. He also died too young. But he still inspired people to change.

Even hundreds of years ago, Lincoln supported the movement to abolish slavery. He was way ahead of his time, and fought to unite a country that was torn because of race.

Two hundred years later, there is still an issue of equality among all sorts of people. Would Obama face such opposition if he weren't black?

I think Obama will inspire change. He will fight to make this country stand united, and it would be a giant step for civil rights, a movement that began so many years ago and still is being fought today for many people.

That being said, although I am pro-Obama, I still believe it is very important for every American who have the ability to vote should. Regardless of who you vote for, we are all Americans and will support the result. I would hope that regardless of who wins, everyone would support our President.

On Being Busy

Sorry for the lack of update as of late, school and work has been keeping me incredibly busy lately. And for once, I'm putting school above most everything.

Classes are going well, I'm looking forward to Winter Break for obvious reasons. I'm taking a mini-vacation the weekend before Thanksgiving (if you can call a horse show a vacation, which I do being that it's a weekend I won't have to work and I'll be able to hopefully have some sort of fun. Success too. Yes, having a successful weekend would be extremely nice too). And the weekend of Thanksgiving, I plan on attending a horse show to be a spectator (10 bucks says I get put to work on that one). I digress. I am enjoying my pre-Calculus class, because for some reason, math classes make me feel brilliant sometimes. It's one class I finally don't have to work extremely hard at to understand, though I've found that as I get closer to Calculus, a little bit of studying does go a long way as far as tests go. We had a quiz today in which I completely blanked on something I knew, and Tuesday we have a test. Which means that besides the time I am at work or celebrating tomorrow's (today's) "holiday," I will be attempting to do some homework for class.

Work.. hmm.. I'm still teaching one night a week at the horse stable, which has its benefits. I am finally out of debt there (moving my horse played a giant role in this) and now actually receive a monthly check. I can not wait to receive this month's check, as I know it will be good and will help me out for that vacation of mine. As far as the pharmacy gig is going, I'm still attempting to get more pharmacy tech hours. Working up front as a cashier is fun, great, and has its benefits (getting paid mostly) but I want the experience of working in a pharmacy. There MAY be an opening to work full time back in the pharmacy, but I am still crossing my fingers that it will work out.

I can't wait for my mini "vacation."

It's All About Me

I'm absolutely tired of being walked over.

Anything I do, if I make it about me, I'm selfish. However, if I let it be about someone else, I'm selfish, rude, or just an all out bitch.

What the hell. It is apparent to me that the more self-assured a woman is, the more she is considered to be a bitch. Because she can stand on her own two feet and doesn't need a man to protect her. Inside of everyone is a person who wants to be liked and wants to be wanted, or loved, or whatever.

But the outside? The person on the outside is a shell, rock hard and so hard to get into.

Well... Finally, I've reached the point where things are going to be about me. I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy because all it does it make me unhappy sometimes. I would give someone the shirt off my back because I am that type of person. But in trying to be nice, I feel like it gives people the impression that I will bow down to what they want. WRONG.

There are people I love to death that none of this applies to, but those people have come through for me time and time again. I would not be who I am today if not for them, and for that I am extremely grateful and would give them the shirt off of my back because that truly is who I am. It takes a lot for me to think highly enough of someone to totally let them in. I put walls up to see who's worth being in my life because it protects my sense of self a lot better than just totally be nothing but open about everything.

But for now, I'm just going to let things be about me. I don't give a damn about what someone I don't really know thinks about me. Time to be selfish for awhile....

Moving On part 2

I found this post sitting in my drafts, and decided to post it.

It's always unusual running into people you used to be friends with. It never matters why the friendship crumbled or why you fell out of touch, it still results in the same sort of awkward pause at the beginning. And although it makes for an extremely awkward time, or even something that drudges up bad memories, there's always a sense of relief to know that you finally had a chance to say what you need to say and end on good terms. Especially when it happens when you least expect it.

I had the opportunity to see an old friend of mine recently. Our friendship ended in lies and backstabbing, and ultimately bad memories and wondering what was really true and good in the friendship and what was fake. It's one of those things where you'd rather hear straight from the person how they feel about you instead of hearing it from their best friend's mother's sister's dog's brother's aunt.

The conversation didn't start off too well, and I was a little apprehensive to see her again. We hadn't heard from each other since the night we ended our friendship. Part of me is glad that it took so long because there were a lot of things I was ultimately hurt about. I finally got to say what I've needed to say for this past year. What I have now is a sense of closure, and the pleasure of knowing that the things I needed to say were said. Being able to stick up for myself was also a nice change of pace.

In any case, now I feel I can move on the situation and finally forget about what it would be like seeing this particular "friend" again. I know that if we do see each other again, we will both be mature about it and make nice, though I know that it would never move past acquaintances again.

My favorite time of year...

I think fall is one of my favorite times of year. The weather starts to be cooler, the leaves turn pretty colors, and for the most part, we get more cloudy blue skies than gray and rainy ones. Thankfully, this past summer wasn't very hot this year. Unfortunately, along with the change in weather started new allergies -- woohoo!

Along with the weather changing, my favorite part of the fall is the fact that many of my favorite television shows are returning with new episodes. Heroes, Ugly Betty, and Gossip Girl are my personal favorites. It's almost like running into a friend and catching up. And it's nice having TiVO be put to good use again. Unfortunately for me, however, my schoolwork and real work seems to be putting a dent into that social calendar, intruding into the small amount of TV time I already have...

At the risk of sounding like a huge nerd, I'm signing this off now. (though it may already be too late).

Moving On

I think it's time to change this a little bit. The last few posts have been a little depressing, especially now that I read them again. While it's good to remember certain memories for the good they may have contained at the time, my life isn't all about the down sides. There's ups and downs to everything and life is one crazy roller coaster ride.

Since the last post, things have been looking up. I got the apology I deserved and while things aren't fully back to normal yet, I am trying to be friends with the guy. I don't know if he truly deserves it or not, I don't know if I believe he wants to be friends or not, but I do like talking to him. I hate that I can't hate them, but holding grudges has never been my thing. I think I finally got closure out of the situation, and closure tends to bring me the ability to appreciate the things I've learned out of a bad situation. (this is where my being over-analytical comes into play)

I'm a lot tougher than I thought I was, I thought losing him would mean the end of my world, but no guy is worth feeling like that. I'm tough in that I can bounce back fairly quickly, just because things seem so wrong one day doesn't mean they won't be fine soon. And everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that people come into your life to teach you something, whether it be the good, the bad, or the ugly.

I am also a better person than most give me credit for. I know for a fact that there quite a few people who wouldn't forgive someone for lying as much as he had, but I do. I believe that people do deserve a second chance. If they blow it the second time, hey that's their call. But it is definitely nice to hear I'm a good person every now and again because I do try to be. And even if I'm wrong sometimes, I will try to fix it. I can be stubborn and bull-headed, but eventually I figure out what I want and what's right. Most of all, I want to change the world by making one person's day that much better. Seeing other people happy makes me happy.

Anyway, for now I'm just appreciating my life for what it is. My friends mean the world to me, as I found out Saturday they can help take me from the shittiest mood to being able to have the kind of laugh that makes you cry. I am in school and finally loving it, I like my classes and I'm prepared to take on the world it seems. I like my jobs, and I want to continue to improve and do the best I can. The tough times seem to bring out the best in me, I guess.

I don't know if any of that makes sense.. Comments?

hindsight

I don't know even where to begin.

I found out a bunch of things from the past two months have been lies. It's great finally knowing where I really stood but it also is a bit more painful than I wish it were. I put a lot of myself into this thinking who I was talking to was really worth my time and instead of getting somebody trustworthy, I ended up being led on. It would have been so much easier to know about this stuff 2 months ago.

You acted like you genuinely cared, like you liked me a lot and wanted to meet me. But how can you care when all that time you were just acting like you did? And with how many lies you said. You called me babe, sent sweet messages, and treated it like we were really seriously talking. It's so ridiculous to think that in that time, you were giving someone else the same bullshit. All that time, you were telling me how much you thought one of my best friends didn't like you, and perhaps had I listened to him in the first place, I would have seen the side he saw. To top it all off, you were the one who acted like I had nothing to worry about when you told me you were friends with her. And now, after all of this, you still want to be friends. I wish it were that simple, to package up any remaining feelings I did have and stuff them away to forgive you this quickly. Real friendship takes time and a whole lot of trust. I don't know how I could fully trust you again and how long that would take. And it would mean you would have to put effort into it that I'm not sure you care enough to give.

I don't even know how to begin describing how I feel about this whole thing. Betrayed, hurt, pissed off... I just wish I could turn back time to 2 months ago and realize what he was doing. But I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

My Neverland

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, what I see staring back at me isn't the face of a 24 year old.. I see someone still stuck in a fantasy land. I always think of Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. In a way, I think we all want to find our Neverland. Because in Neverland, dreams always come true. Or is that Cinderella?

I remember being 10 years old, thinking of how life would be when I was finally 18 and graduating from high school. It seemed then that 18 was a really long time away and it somehow seemed like I would never get to that point. Once I hit 14 it didn't seem so far off but it was still odd thinking of what life would be like after high school. Would I go to a 4 year university and move away right away? Would I attend a local college to save money? Either way, it seemed as though the possibilities were endless.

Once I turned 18, those possibilities seemed to dwindle. The only thing I had invested much time into was my horseback riding and playing music in the school band. So the logical choice for me was spending a couple years at the local college and doing my horseback riding thing. It took some time to really figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I dabbled in teaching and journalism but nothing seemed to stick. Instead, I opted to attempt classes that I had no real interest or need for so eventually one by one they were dropped. I instead spent my time working two jobs, one for less pay than I should have gotten. I think had I spent more time concentrating on school, I could have had just a few classes to take before being able to apply to pharmacy school.

Flash forward 6 years later. Still in junior college, still trying to make it through a semester with a full load of classes. Now that I have a plan formulated, I need to bust my butt and get it done. I've seen what I would be doing otherwise and I'm tired of working for minimum wage (although now I did get a raise for being a pharmacy service associate) when I'm a lot smarter than that. I think now, too, I seem to have gained a few cheerleaders who have helped give me the push to know I can do this and believe in me. For such a pessimist, I can be such an optimist (my new leaf. I'm adopting a cup half full mentality, thanks to someone special).

So now my goal is to follow my yellow brick road to my own Neverland. Neverland in the true sense means never growing up, but I think it's more about finding your own happiness. To some, being happy means never having to grow up, to never gain the sense of adulthood that seems to come with maturity. But for me, my Neverland means growing up and accepting the changes for what they are and to be a better person. To see the silver lining in every storm cloud, and to know that everything will really be okay. And, above all, to be happy in everything I do.

Coincidentally, one of my favorite questions comes from running into someone I haven't seen in a while. It seems so simple, but in reality it is such a loaded question. "What are you doing for the rest of your life?" I always want to ask "short or long answer?" My short answer? To be happy. My long answer? Well.... you'd better grab a cup of coffee, seems like we're in for a long night..

Trying to find my way

It's been quite some time since I've written anything, so this should be interesting. I just need an outlet to what I think and feel and this is probably the best way to find that release. I'm just trying to find myself, and I think maybe writing down what I think, know, and feel may just be something to help someone along too.

I'm interested in going to pharmacy school. Currently I am working on my general education requirements, which has been a 6 year process so far. Maybe it's a little less given half the time I didn't even complete all of my classes. Part of me feels I'm never going to get past this point. This halfway stage of what I want to do. Part of me also feels like once I do get this all done, I will never be able to be accepted into a pharmacy school because my GPA just isn't what it should be. These classes should have taken 3 years at the most to do but I'm still wasting my time on everything but. Maybe my fear of rejection is silently making its presence known. I am a bit scared about not making it in, but I'm tired of that being the reason why I'm not getting anywhere in my life.

I've always thought I was a good person. I have my flaws, but sometimes flaws make a person beautiful. I truly think that the most perfect people are the ones who let their flaws be heard and aren't ashamed to truly be who they are. I am a bit soft-spoken and don't let myself shine sometimes. It's been a long battle because I was always picked on a little more when I was growing up, about being overweight, being shy, and being into things that just weren't considered "cool." These days I'm learning those quirks make me who I am, and I wouldn't change that for the world. What I would like to change is how other people see me. I've been told I'm too emotional, too shy, and sometimes that all affects me more than I should let it. Finding that balance of how to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me seems to be my current challenge.

I feel like through all of this emotional stuff I am managing to push away the first person to ever care about me in a way more than just friends. Instead of letting things be, I manage to push that button until it self-destructs. Instead of being the person he got to know and like, I turn into some raging bitch. Maybe the ultimate fear of rejection is playing its role in this as well. Maybe I'm just putting too much thought into it. But somewhere I lost the fun aspect of it and started making myself seem like a pain in the ass, which I know never works. All I know is I don't want to give him a reason to give up on me and if I could change some things, I would. But what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, so maybe if I can just go back to the fun person instead of letting everything bother me, I can fix this.

But in all honestly, one of my favorite things about myself is my ability to adapt. I will make an attempt to change for the better because I know life is about constantly changing. My biggest challenge is finding a way to not totally lose myself in the process, and to also not to alienate those around me. I know what I want in my life, and I'm determined to get it. Maybe someday I'll look back on this and say, "who was that girl?" Maybe I'll look back and wonder what I was thinking. But I sure as hell don't want to be sitting here five years from now wondering what if, what could have been, and what I would be doing now if things were different.

Sorry that got so long... I've had a lot on my mind and it feels super good to get it off my chest. Till next time!